The flesh-ripping weasels are virtually harmless

Another in my series of amusingly misleading marketing expressions.

virtually (adv.)

Virtually is the most beautiful word in marketingese because it actually negates whatever it modifies without anybody realizing it.  To turn copy into normal-speak, just replace the word “virtually” with “NOT” (yes, in capital letters), and you’ve cracked the code!  For example:

Marketing copy: With this coupon, your purchase is virtually free!

Translation: With this coupon, your purchase is NOT free.

Marketing copy: Makes scratches virtually invisible!

Translation: The scratches will still be visible.

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